On the Edge of Nowhere
by tvnerdgirl
Summary: Set during the beginning of season six, this was the conversation between Angel and Buffy that we were not allowed to see. I felt it had to be written however. Buffy returns from the dead and Angel must see her to believe it.
1. Shades of Grey

Author's Note: Because the WB and UPN were not friends at this point in the show, this is the crossover we never got to see between Buffy and Angel.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. If I did, I would not be a starving college student.

The bus ride was long, and tiring. Buffy Summers slept most of the way, eager to escape from reality and into a more pleasant oblivion. She was glad that it was dark. These days she felt better in the darkness...the light seemed so harsh and cheerful...it was almost blinding. Nobody else seemed to notice this but her. For that, she was almost grateful.

The woman next to her was staring at her again. She had been shooting Buffy curious looks ever since the bus departed from Sunnydale. It's final destination was Los Angeles, but Buffy wasn't going that far. She was getting off the bus in a remote little nowhere town somewhere in between LA and Sunnydale. That had been Angel's idea. She supposed it was easier that way. Going to LA was difficult for her, and he had never really belonged in Sunnydale.

It was depressing in a way. He had left to make her life better...to make sure she had a chance at something beautiful...something away from darkness. Although they had never stopped caring about each other, by leaving the lines had been drawn. Things were so definite now. Sunnydale was her town, LA was his. Black and white. Now, it was only the two of them that remained shades of gray. She suspected they always would.

Meeting here was easier for both of them. It was neutral ground. Kind of like their relationship. Angel would always be there, but never fully, never completely. He would always be standing at the edges, watching to catch her if she fell, but never staying to heal her wounds. She would have to do that herself. She always had to do that herself. It was harder now though....now that she had known true peace for the first time ever. It was almost worse than going to hell. At least if she were in hell, she wouldn't have to worry about playing a part for anyone. She could suffer openly. Hear on Earth she had to hide it. She couldn't bear to let the others know where she had truly been. They didn't deserve to suffer too....they had meant well.

"Grant Station, Carlesville!" The sound of the bus driver's voice and the resulting whine of the microphone he used caused her to jump slightly, jostled out of her thoughts. Grabbing for her coat and purse, she stood up, trying to ignore the stiffness in her legs caused by sitting for so long. The lady next to her smiled.

"Do you have family here dear? Is there someone coming to pick you up?"

Buffy attempted smiling back, but found it difficult and forced. Instead, she simply nodded.

"I've got someone." She said as she got off the bus and closed her eyes at the first gust of cool night air.


	2. Silent understanding

Angel knew she was there, even before she got off the bus. He could feel her. He could always feel her. He wasn't sure if it was because she was the slayer, or because she was Buffy, but it never went away.

His heart caught as the doors opened and people began filing out. He still couldn't believe that she was alive, that she had been brought back by Willow and Tara's spell. When he had learned of her death it had nearly crushed him. He had mourned, and grieved and finally learned to function and move on with his life on a day to day basis, but he had never forgotten. Then, as if in a dream, Willow called an excitedly told Cordelia that she was alive again. He knew then and there he had to see her, had to hold her in order to believe it was true.

Still, he kept his face impassive as she stepped off the bus. Willow had also told Cordy that she wasn't exactly herself right now because she had been trapped in a horrible hell dimension. That was another reason why had to see her.

Angel too had been trapped in a hell dimension. He knew the pain, agony and torture she must have gone through. If there was anyway that he could help her, could guide her through it, he had to try. She didn't deserve the memories she would be plagued with night and day....nobody did.

He watched her stop and breathe in the night air, and suddenly felt tears in his eyes. She really was standing there...as if she had never been away from him, not even for a second and Angel wanted nothing more than to take her away somewhere, where she could never feel pain again.

He watched her turn, clearly sensing his presence, and then he saw her smile a sad, heart wrenching smile. If anyone deserved the title of 'Angel', it was she. He lifted his hand up slightly in greeting and headed towards her, unsure of how to keep from taking her fiercely in his arms and never letting her go. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, anything, but his vocal chords absolutely refused to obey him. Instead, all he could do was stare, his eyes never leaving hers, the two of them locked in silent conversation. Finally, her voice pierced the night air.

"It's good to see you."

"Are you warm enough?" Was all he could think to ask. He was suddenly transported back to that night at the Bronze when he had given her his leather. He had wanted to protect her then from the evils of the world, and that instinct to keep her safe had now magnified itself ten fold.

"I'll live," was her soft reply. Her lips twisted into a bitter smile that Angel had never seen adorn her face before. "Is there somewhere we can go to talk?"

"Yea, there is." He said, finally able to shake himself free of his trance. "My car is in the lot. Is there anywhere in particular you wanted to go?"

"The cemetery." She said automatically. "Take me to the cemetery."


	3. Perfect Illusions

They drove to the nearest cemetery in silence, neither knowing what to say, both so terribly unsure of themselves and of the situation. Had they really drifted this far apart? It hurt Angel's heart to think so.

"Here it is." Angel said as he turned the engine off and got out of the car. Before Buffy could say anything, he was around the other side of the car, opening her door and helping her out. "I think it's the only cemetery in this town. It's even smaller than Sunnydale."

Buffy smiled slightly and watched as Angel opened the trunk of his car and pulled a few things out of it. Her eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise when she saw what they were.

"You brought a picnic blanket?"

"I kind of figured you would want to come here," was Angel's answer. "I thought, we could either sit on the car, or on the ground...."

"The ground is fine." She interrupted. "Good thinking."

Angel arranged the blanket and he and Buffy sat a while, both wondering what was going through the others' minds. A few years ago, it would have been so natural to spread out the blanket, take her in his arms and just stare at the sky all night, holding each other close. Now, even though he wanted to, he knew that was impossible. There were too many barriers and not just because he left her three years ago to find a better life. She was different now that she was back. She was...changed and Angel couldn't understand why. It didn't seem like she intended on telling him about it either.

"Just like home." He heard her remark quietly. He looked over at her curiously.

"Home?"

"This cemetery," was her reply, "every cemetery. They're all the same. They all have headstones, the moon, vampires and dead people. All the criteria right here. I've spent so much time in cemeteries Angel. Too much time."

"Buffy..."

"Could you do me a favour Angel?" Buffy interrupted, a lump forming in her throat. _Damn tears! _She thought angrily. _Go away!_ "Could we not talk just now? Can we just sit here? I'm so tired of talking. I'm just so tired."

"Of course," Angel replied, tentatively taking her hand in his. She leaned against his shoulder and closed her eyes and suddenly all was right again. They were back to the way they used to be, with Buffy patrolling, Angel helping her and the couple stealing a few moments every night together before the sun came up. It was the very picture of perfection....if only it weren't simply an illusion.


	4. To be her strength

Buffy hadn't realized she had drifted off to sleep until she woke up approximately twenty minutes later. Looking up, all she saw were Angel's dark eyes staring at her with concern and most unnervingly, love.

"I'm sorry." She said, averting his intense gaze. "I didn't realize I fell asleep."

"Don't apologize Buffy." He told her gently. "You don't have to explain anything to me."

"I know," she said, smiling her first real smile in days and realizing that at this moment, this place, she truly could trust him with anything....even with the secret she had kept from all her friends thus far. "I want to tell you....I want to explain...." She trailed off, unable to approach the subject.

"Buffy when Cordelia told me you were alive, she said that Willow told her....that you were in a hellish demon dimension." Angel stared at her, attempting to gauge her reaction. Buffy looked away, trying to block the truth from her mind, not wanting to think of the peace she could have had...the peace she had had, but lost...

"Is that what Willow said?" She finally asked. Angel nodded.

"It's what she said Buffy....but I don't believe it." Reaching out to her, he brushed a lock of stray hair from her face and tipped her chin up to meet his gaze. "I don't believe a word of it." Buffy's mouth went dry.

"How do you know?" She whispered. "How could you possibly know?"

"I was in a demon dimension for over a thousand years Buffy." Angel reminded her. Guilt flickered through her eyes as she remembered that it was she who had put him there. "People that get stuck in a hell dimension have a look in their eyes...it's engraved in their very soul...you don't have it. Where were you?"

Buffy started to shake. Panic and fear rose inside of her as the memories took over. She could see the peace, the contentment ripped away from her and suddenly it was replaced with a coffin...and she was back in that cemetery, attempting to crawl out of her own grave.

"No!" She cried out, "not again! I want to go back, take me back!"

"Buffy?" Angel whispered fearfully, more afraid for her than he had ever been in his entire life. "Were you...were you in heaven? Were you at peace?"

And there it was....the truth spoken out loud. Simply hearing his words put her into an emotional tailspin unlike any other. She could no longer fight the tears that threatened her, and so she welcomed them. Sobs overtook her and she attempted to answer Angel as the wetness caressed her face.

"I was...oh Angel, I was....."

She leaned forward, unable to even hold herself up. The pain was more intense than anything she had ever felt before. And then his arms were around her, crushing her to his chest so fiercely she was afraid she would stop breathing at any moment. Still, she held tightly to him, abandoning her own strength for once and relying entirely on his to see her through this.

"I'm sorry Buffy," Angel said, his own voice muffled by the top of her head as he held her to him. His heart broke, right along with hers for all he knew she must be suffering right now. "I'm so sorry."

"I can't tell them." She finally said after the gulping sobs subsided. "They are so happy to see me alive, and they think they saved me from a hell dimension....I can't tell them where I really was. I can't tell them that instead of saving me from hell....they trapped me here."

"If there was anything I could do..."

"Don't," She interrupted him. "Don't tell me any lies Angel. I couldn't bear it from you."

"I would never lie to you." He said firmly. She loosened her grip on him and sat back so she could see his face.

"Wouldn't you?" She countered. "You were about to tell me that if there was anything you could do, you would do it right?"

"I mean it Buffy."

"Do you?" She met his gaze desperately. "If you could put me back there...back where I was at peace, would you really do it? Would you have stopped the others from doing the spell to bring me back, even if you had known it would work? Even if it meant losing me all over again?"

Angel didn't answer her for a moment. All he could do was sit there and look at her beautiful face, highlighted by the moon and her tears. He knew the answer to her question, but how could he fully explain it to her? Why couldn't he tell her about the lost day they had had together? About how he gave up his humanity just so that she could live? How could he tell her that he would gladly sacrifice just as much if she wanted to die?

"Buffy listen to me," he finally said. "I would do anything....anything at all to make you happy...to set you free. You have to believe me. I left you three years ago to free you from the darkness. I realize now that it was an illusion. While my leaving may have freed you partially, as long as you live, you'll never truly be away from it. If death had set you free, then I would have let you rest in peace Buffy...no matter how much it hurt."

Buffy's eyes widened as she heard the full truth of his words. He truly would sacrifice everything for her if he could. A tear slipped down her cheek and as if on instinct, she leaned forward to kiss him.

Their lips met softly at first, almost as if fearing that either of them would explode or disappear at any moment. She found a comfort in his kiss, something she had thought long lost to her forever.

The kiss deepened and Angel felt himself getting lost in her all over again. Her skin, her smell, her heart beating, not only for her, but for him as well. Even when he was away from her, she was what he lived for. She was what kept him fighting. She was his heartbeat. And she was his destruction as well.

As that thought hit him, he pulled back from her in fear. He couldn't let this go too far. He couldn't remember the day they had lost. He couldn't lose her again.

"Angel?" Her voice was questioning...unsure.

"We....we can't Buffy. You know we can't..."

"Ssshh," she said, silencing him with her finger to her lips. "Just tonight? Can we just have tonight? We won't take it too far, I just...I need you Angel. I need you to be strong for me."

Angel smiled, and pulled her into his arms once more, abandoning for once all rational thought and reason.

"Tonight," he agreed. "You know it can't be anything more."

"I know."


	5. ere the sun rises

"The sun's almost up," Buffy said softly. The two of them sat, leaned up against a headstone, completely entangled in one another. She softly trailed a line from the collar of his trench coat, down to the first button. "We'll have to go soon."

"I know." He replied, not wanting the moment to end. "What will you do now?"

Buffy shrugged.

"Go back to Sunnydale. Try to get through today...and then tomorrow. One step at a time right? That's the key to dealing?"

"Are you ever going to tell them?" He wondered. Buffy shook her head.

"I can't. I can't do that to them. But I'm glad you know. Somehow it doesn't seem so hard, knowing that if I need you..."

"I'll always be there." He finished. He kissed her lips softly, then stood up and opened the trunk of his car to place the blanket back. Buffy brushed the leaves and twigs from her knees and smiled a tired smile. She wasn't looking forward to the long bus ride back one little bit.


	6. Unfinished symphony

They were inside the bus station only moments before sunrise. Buffy clung to Angel as the bus pulled up, not wanting to let him go. He was her lifeline...her safety net and once again, she would have to let him go.

"Thank you Angel...for everything."

"Be strong Buffy," he whispered, trailing her face gently with his fingertip. "Don't do anything...."

"To myself?" She finished for him. "Don't worry about me. I may not want to be here, but I would never..."

"I know." He replied. "Listen if you ever need me..."

"You don't have to finish that sentence." She said. "Let's just leave it at that, OK?"

He nodded, knowing that things with them would always be left unfinished...just like his words.

"You'll be OK?" He said, one more time.

She nodded shortly and stepped on to the bus.

"Eventually. Thank you."

And then she was gone, and Angel was left watching as she disappeared into the light, out of his life once again.

-End

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End file.
